Falling forward

The tide is turning, I can feel it.

The strength of the current is pulling me in, dragging me along...the momentum intensifying, building stronger the more I fight against it.

I cling to the rocks of the past, nails digging in deep till I feel the pain... It stings.

Yet I stay fixed.There is safety in the known. The unknown is just that, unknown, uncharted, unfamiliar.

And as if on cue, Rick Astley comes blaring over the radio: "Never gonna give you up!"

Seems like the universe decided this cheesy song is the sound track of my life. Perhaps because I'm a child of the 80's. Perhaps because I realized then that decisions and choices were things we made and had to live with. Perhaps because I haven't been paying attention to the signs sent by the universe, and Rick has a way of showing up when it's time to pay the piper.

I shush him...Meh! singing about childish sentiments at a time when I needed to make adult choices.

"Man up!"I chide myself, "it's time."

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and release my hold on the past.

Letting go is a conscious choice.

And with that, the current takes hold of me.

I feel relief washing over me, it is comforting like a womb. I give in to the force and it sweeps me forward taking me to calmer waters.Exhausted I emerge slightly unsteady, staring ahead at a new horizon. My eyes are heavy, weighed down by worries and weariness, my legs feel like lead, I drag my body forward, willing it to move. Falling forward on unsteady legs, my mind still a petulant child clinging to past hurts and unpleasant patterns. In motion now, I keep moving, stumbling around like a toddler learning to walk, reaching for places to hold on to, searching for balance and finding it in strange new places.

I head home, head straight for bed. It feels like I've just run a marathon, and sleep is the only thing that makes sense. My dreams are filled with a kaleidoscope of colour, it swirls and dances, flashes brilliance, and I am wandering aimlessly about avoiding the shadows.

I spend the night in fitful sleep, my dream becoming more and more disturbing, the shadows are closing in, turning rainbows grey and clouds dark and broody. I expect to hear thunder, and I wince, moaning in my sleep, I expect a storm, and I shiver, pulling covers tight.

But all I feel is a glow.

There is a break up ahead, and pure light is streaming in. I run towards it, leaving shadows in my wake.

I arise out of my deep slumber, wary, vulnerable, but unafraid.

I turn on the radio, Rick is singing again...and this time, I'm dancing.